‘ We are in this together — and we will get through this, TOGETHER’
-Antonio Guterres
Everything was normal until 18 March 2020. To fight the Covid-19, the government released a Movement Control Order (MCO) that restricts every movement. Schools and other educational institutions were closed. Non-essential shops were closed. Cross-district is not allowed. Well, it’s only for two weeks, I guess. Little did I know, two weeks became 4 weeks and 4 weeks became 6 weeks. As time passed by, we’re entering the 7th month of CMCO (Conditional Movement Control Order).
Money, time, and health. These three have always been in my mind. Online classes are one of the major anxiety sources. Bad internet connection means fail. Oh, I forgot to mention that I lived in a rural area. Money? Yes. Just like everyone else, I was desperate to earn my income. The guilt feeling and shame of asking parents for money haunt me every second.
Loneliness. I feel like I have no one to talk to. Actually, I have but I’m not good with words and express my feelings. I’ve always thought that they’ll think that I’m just seeking for attention or whatever reason. These anxieties keep piling up and it’s making me depressed. I did cry sometimes. I didn’t know that loneliness can hurt that bad.
‘Loneliness and the feeling of unwanted is the most terrible poverty’
— Mother Teresa
Sometimes, depression is not about endless crying at night, it’s about waiting for the night to come so that you can close your eyes and don’t have to think about anything. There are some days that I asked myself ‘what have I done today?’ and it was nothing. I’ve wasted the entire 24 hours. The more I wasted, the more I feel guilty about myself. Why am I doing this? Why can’t I do something? It’s not that bad being lonely, right?
‘Depression is being colorblind and constantly being told how colorful the world is’ — Atticus
One day, I start looking for online jobs. I am fighting with my inner self to search my own pavements towards mental healing. I’ve tried being a transcriber, answering surveys, captionist and it doesn’t fit me well. Then, I thought about becoming a writer. At my early age, I’ve always thought of becoming one. I love writing since I was in kindergarten. My first story was “ The Three Monkey’.
I love reading novels and writing fiction during high school. When I write short stories or reading novels, I can’t stop. The ideas and imagination flow. However, the passion fades as I entered college. I doubt about becoming a writer. It took me three days to decide and finally, I am ready to take the risk.
I emailed a few bloggers and wait for two weeks. Still no reply. My hopes shattered and I thought that maybe it’s a sign that I’m not fit for this job. I moved on and I found medium.com. I saw medium.com on YouTube and how it changed everyone’s life. I do a little bit of research and I’m ready to give it try.
Surprisingly, I’m happy. I am genuinely happy. Although my writing skills are bad but I’m happy. After publishing one story, I’m looking forward to write another one and another one. I’ve written non-fiction and my up-coming story will be fiction. Writing fictions help me to express myself. Anger, sadness, happy, I put all the emotions into my masterpiece so that I don’t have to carry all of them on my shoulder again.
What I love about medium.com is, it has a lot to tell. It shows the world through words and there’s so much going on. It helps you in your everyday lives, gives you the information to almost about everything and it gives you the feeling of wanting more and more. And I want to write more.
The more I write, the more I realized that there’s so much thing I can do. If I don’t have any idea what to write, all I do is take a break, read and allow myself lost in the nature. Writing can be so much fun for people like you and me.
Writing is like a slow process therapy. It takes time and effort. There’s no need to rush when it comes to writing. It will slowly heals you. Slowly untangle the messy thoughts in your head and find the ending.
How writing saves my life?
- Write: I express my feelings into my masterpiece. I’ve made a few drafts about my journey on medium.com and I believe that it would help other people that are struggling with depression and anxiety during this pandemic. Although I still have a long way ahead but the sky is the limit.
- Read: Reading helps me with my writing. Plus, reading kills time and it gives me that easy feeling after finishing one book. I’ve read bout depression management, fiction, poetry, and sci-fic to increase my vocabulary and imagination.
- Self-realization: I realize that I choose the right path. When the storms come, I created my own sunshine through writing and that’s when I realized my true passion. The world has more to give, so I will never give up.
Conclusion
Fighting depression is not as easy as some people may think it would be. Different people required a different method because we’re not in the same boat. Some may be on a wooden boat and some may be on a raft. I wish all the people out there that are fighting for depression and anxiety to never give up and keep looking for your own sunshine. You are allowed to feel messed up inside out but that doesn’t mean that you’re weak. It means that you’re a human. You are responsible for your own happiness. Find that happiness.
‘Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.’
Matthew 6:34
